on de-personalization

keep in mine this is some of my rambling, grumpy 23:00 after class and adderall thoughts…

My relationship with my partner is falling apart and its starting to do it quite a bit quicker than it was before, I’m sure there are a ton of reasons for this but I’m still trying to fully understand some of what is going on that is making me feel this way. But i guess the long and short of it is there are a few major things that are needing to get reconciled and doing so is not the most effective or painless but its something i really need to start approaching and working through.

Part 1:
I spent years denying and repressing my own sexuality and gender. The gender side of this has been honestly easier to deal with than the sexuality side of it. The sexuality side is tricky because i wanted to be there for my partner and i could make them happy and fulfill my physical needs but there was a nice gaping hole emotionally that i’m still sort of working on defining, but I think the easiest way to look at it is that i spent so long repressing this shit that i ended up sort of un-conciouniously denying all my sort of default sexuality and so a lot of what i see as attraction was very heavily repressed and now that i’m starting to get more comfortable with who i am, i’m trying to explore that more… but i don’t have the sort of emotional freedom right now to really do want i want. i want to feel vulnerable and to be able to be open but… I don’t feel safe enough emotionally to do that in my current relationship. that hurts a TON, but there is 15 years of male gender roles and expectations that were pushed onto me a lot and to some degree are still being expected to be there a bit. Thats a hard thing but i’ll go into that more a bit later… right now we’re doing relationships and sexuality.

what i’m leading up to with some of this is that i still feel that i’m in a place where i don’t have a good idea of who i am in a lot of ways still. there was some talk with my partner about how they were getting super frustrated by me having to go through and explore this shit and figure more stuff out and how i was starting to assert my feelings and what i liked and didn’t like with their behavior. this is apparently a bad thing for them to be dealing with because i basically just rolled over with everything for most of our relationship. i made a ton of concessions to their anxiety and depression and made massive changes in my behavior in order to accommodate their trust issues and their lack of faith in me and their lack of respect towards me.
So, as one might expect having someone else start pushing for more of this in a relationship is something that can be a big force that has to get dealt with, and quite frankly i don’t have the language skills or depth of emotion to start to address this in a way that we both can understand and be on the same page about.

So being this sort of recovering husk of a woman has been a bit of an interesting experience, more so with a freshly installed vagina and married to a non binary person while being sexually attracted to dudes. like what the shit. I want to be able to make stuff work with my partner as there was a lot that did work there for a long time but we keep running into definition snags and the growing lack of emotional closeness is giving me a lot of bad vibes. more so in a context where i have been dealing with some massive changes to my outward appearance and how people see and interact with me (this is only compounded by my upcoming FFS. Holy fukin shit. Donkyballs.). I haven’t felt like i can talk to them about this stuff for a long time as they mentioned that they felt like i was doing a lot of fishing for compliments and it was making them feel crappy… which is a hell of a thing to hear and something that we had talked about a little bit in therapy but its still hard because i don’t have a good grasp of what i look like most of the time.

Part 2…
I hope some of this gets cleared up a bit more with FFS… but some how i don’t think that will be the case. i can see me having more issues with trying to sort of put myself back together as a person and like figure out what i want to do and like actual goals and shit. I HOPE that some of the issues with my self image start to get better, and by and large they have. but there is still a lot of weirdness that is going on at times and it is taking some time to get used to how i look these days but i’m not expecting that i’ll have a partner i can have a frank conversation with my feelings about after i get out of the OR in October. the hardest thing right now is keeping kiddo in mind through all of this as im trying to be present more but its hard with school and work. one of these days i’ll get to a more stable point emotionally and some of this relationship stuff will get calmed down. I honestly don’t want to separate or anything as i seriously don’t know what i’d do. alix has done an amazing amount to keep my ass alive and i wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for them being in my life.

to be continued…

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